I've been working on a lot of things over the last week or so. Being without work lends itself to many thoughts, questions, concerns, hopes, and dreams. But for me, I've been focusing on myself. The little things about myself that I've let go over the last however many years. (One of my children is celebrating a birthday today and that always reminds me of what my spirit has endured physically over the years)
My first memory of being clairvoyant was as a very young child. Just shy of four years old. My grandfather had passed away and as young as I was, I was unable to grasp what death truly meant. He was the first person I'd ever known who had passed. I remember so much about that day. It has been seared into my memory because of the trauma surrounding it.
Myself, a sibling, and one of my parents stayed behind to view the body of my grandfather one last time. I'd heard that he had been an organ donor. I remember asking if he still had his eyes. I remember looking down in the casket and I knew that was his body, what was in there was matter, the soul had moved from that existence. I remember sitting between my parents in the car as we followed the hurst to the cemetery.
From there, things are a bit hazy until we returned to my grandparents' home. It was hushed and there was conversation. The kids that were around were playing as we did when we went to our grandparents' house. I remember running back the long hall to their bedroom. I walked into their bedroom and he was standing at the foot of the bed, looking down next to the bed. I was so happy to see him. I ran back out of the room and told everyone that they didn't have to be sad anymore because he was standing in the bedroom.
One of my parents scolded me, saying, "That's not funny." From then on out, every feeling, spiritual twinge, premonition, voice that spoke to me alone, was solely mine. I harbored that secret for more than twenty years before I finally decided to pull it out and use it as a psychic medium with a paranormal group.
Time after time, I got things right with every new location and every investigation. Places that I'd never been to, but somehow knew the exact same things as the other psychic mediums associated with the group had found, felt, proclaimed. There were times when there were many of us, working separately, to prevent cross contamination between readings. And we all got similar information. There are still times I think I must have dreamed it.
Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with my third and final child. It became necessary for me to take a step back and away as there were things that followed me home. I knew I was jeopardizing the life growing within myself by continuing to go out ghost hunting. I gave it up. It took six months to close it all back down, lock it away, and try to move forward.
The following eighteen years kept it locked away, unused save for rare occasions when someone would ask me to do a reading or take a look at a picture to get a sense of what was going on with something. I did that for years, but never fell back into it. After I was suddenly, unexpectedly, unemployed, I decided that I wanted to try and make a go of it, professionally.
The certified herbalist side of it is an outgrowth of the spiritual side of my psychic abilities. I've always been connected to nature in a way that I struggle to explain. It's more or less like it speaks to me and I listen. And to use things that grow to move myself forward, to be a voice of total spiritual connection to body through herbalism and the energies that flow through all things, that feels right. That and writing.
I've always had my head in the clouds. I've never been down to earth when my whole self is spiritual in ways that require me to feel, sense, trust, and move forward. Is this my time? I am unsure. But I'm certainly going to try and move forward like it just might be my time to take this spiritual journey to a level that provides more than a personal settling. I can help people. And that's what I want to do.